The "Clean" Joke Thread

[Savoia]

Holy Golf

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water and then chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water and also chips the ball onto the green, and putts for par.

Then the old man is up. He drives the ball and it also heads for the water trap. Before the ball lands in the water, a fish jumps out of the water and, at the top of its jump catches the ball in its mouth. At that very moment a Fish Eagle swoops down and cradles the fish between its talons and begins to fly away. The eagle then circles over the green when, frightened by a bolt of lighting, it drops the fish onto the green. The ball pops out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you're not going to play properly then next time we won't bring you."

[Savoia]

Holmes & Watson in a Tent

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson had to camp overnight on their journey to a remote destination. Having cooked a rudimentary supper they pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

During the night Holmes wakes Watson and says: "Watson, do you notice anything?"

Watson replies: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes says: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replies: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, then I suppose it’s just possible there are some planets which are similar to Earth. And if such planets exist then there might also be life on them."

Holmes says: "No Watson, you blithering idiot, it means someone has stolen our tent!"

[Zishelix]

An old Pilot wearing his flying jacket sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to him and asked: "Are you a real pilot?" He replied: "Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying all types of airplanes. I flew B-29's in WWII and later I also flew in the Korean conflict. I've taught more than fifty people to fly and have given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot. What about you?"

The woman said, "I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down next to the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian."

[Savoia]

The Clean Joke Thread

Well .. that didn't last long!

[Nomorehelosforme]

Come on Sav at least Zis's joke was partially aviation/pilot related!!!

[Savoia]

Yes, just having a tease!

[Nomorehelosforme]

Hope this passes Sav's censorship !!!

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so powerful, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. He then hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets. I'll give you the scope for free if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[Phil Croucher]

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better!

I tried a shareware program, Sl*pper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeRidePlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself'.

[Phil Croucher]

Just to prove that qualifications mean nothing....

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and arethings people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and nowpublished by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Savoia]

Captain: “Sergeant, I've just received a telegram that Private Jones’ mother has died. Better go tell him and send him to me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up the troops.

Sergeant: “Listen-up men. Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the Commander.”

Later that day the Captain calls the Sergeant into his office and says: “That was a pretty cold way of informing Jones of his mother's death. Couldn’t you be a bit more considerate next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again saying: “Sergeant, I've just received a telegram informing me that Private McGrath’s mother has died. You’d better go tell him and send him to me. This time try and be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!”

[Savoia]

A guy is cruising down the highway way over the speed limit when a cop pulls him over.

"Sorry officer, guess the speedo got away from me. Happens every time I get hammered and try to drive home."

"What?! You're intoxicated?"

"Well I needed a stiff drink after I shot that guy! It's okay though, I managed to stuff him in the trunk."

"Sir, keep your hands where I can see them and hand me your license and registration."

"Well I would but they're in the glovebox where I stashed my gun."

"Do not move. I'm calling for back-up."

Back-up gets there. Second officer gets out, says "Sir, please open your trunk."

Guy opens it. Clean as a whistle.

"Please show me your glovebox."

Guy opens it. Clean as a whistle, along with his license and registration.

"I'll need you to take a breathalyzer."

Guy blows a .00

"Well what's going on? This officer said you had a body in the trunk, a gun in the glovebox and were drunk."

Guy says "Hah, I bet he said I was speeding too!"

[Zishelix]

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."